Crush

I couldn’t look him in the eyes.
I smiled whenever I heard his name.
I wanted to see him as often as I could.
My hands felt cold whenever he was around.

All the statements above are cliché, but I’m quite certain I felt all those for my long time crush, whom I’ll address as person X for the rest of this essay. I first met him when I was around 10. He’s the son of my mom’s best friend. We had this small outing in Laguna. Our parents rented a place with a small pool and we kids were allowed to play around the vicinity. I didn’t notice that he was cute right away. I was actually more engrossed in swimming around the pool and meeting all of the kids during that time. I got a chance to mingle with him and I found out that he liked swimming as a sport too. I couldn’t really remember a lot but I know that’s how we got along. I just realized that he was somehow attractive when I got a hold of the developed pictures during the outing. From then on, I knew that X was already my crush. My mom and her best friend decided to bring us (their children) more often whenever they planned to see each other. I remember one instance when our families rented joint bedrooms in a hotel. I saw him again and I got to interact with him more. We were allowed to roam and play around the building, and I developed a stronger liking towards him. We also got a chance to swim together, and that allowed us to bond even more. We exchanged numbers, and that made me realize how makulit and cute he was. He kept ringing my phone even when we were together. I didn’t know how to react. Gosh, kilig. By then, I realized that I found it hard to talk to him and look at him without losing control of my smile. I recall my tita telling me – “O, bakit di mo nilalapitan si X, eh parang gusto ka naman niya kausapin? Kawawa naman, walang kausap.” I can also remember how I replied - “Eh kaya nga bilisan natin maglakad. Hindi ko kaya (kasi sobrang kinikilig ako).” Whenever we saw each other, I felt the same thing. I found everything he did somehow charming. One time, I saw his small brother drinking (or licking) like a dog from X’s glass of water. What surprised me was when X took the glass of water and drank from it like nothing happened. During that time, I thought that it was so cute and appealing for him to have done that. “Awww, ang sweet naman niya sa kapatid niya. Kahit nilawayan na yung tubig niya, ininom pa rin niya.” Now, looking back, I think what I saw was kind of gross. When I reached high school, I still had a crush on him. During my junior year, the prom season came, and everyone started looking for a partner. From the very start, I wished that he could be my date, but I didn’t know how to ask him. Whenever my mom asked me who was coming with me to the prom, I told her that I haven’t asked anyone. I kept saying that until she resolved to find a date for me. Of course, I knew the person she was going to ask. Luckily, my ploy worked, and X came with me to the prom. It was also during that night, though, that I realized how different we were from each other. For instance, we talked about our favorite subjects. I love math, and I hate history. It was actually the other way for him. Also, I told him that I had plans to pursue postgraduate studies. I was somehow turned off when he told me that most likely he’d be too lazy to study after college. I also realized that he was very quiet, as compared to me. He bored me a bit. Now, obviously, he’s no longer my crush.

Upon recalling my story about X, I realized that I could explain how I felt for him in terms of Psychology. First, I liked him because he seemed “available”. As I have said, he’s the son of my mom’s best friend. This relationship between our parents somehow strengthened the connection between me and X. My enjoyable interaction with him as a child influenced how I felt for him. At first, we enjoyed playing and swimming with each other, since we were still kids. Also, my mom and her best friend brought us with them whenever they met in malls and visited each other’s house. I saw him quite frequently, which increased my liking towards him. Second, I found him physically attractive. My mom and my ate both agree with me that he’s a bit cute. Third, I was told by X’s sister that he had a crush on me too. Somehow, I believed that. Perhaps, it raised my self-esteem and I liked him even more. The last factor that predicts attraction explains how I felt for him both when I met him and when I talked to him during my prom. Initially, I saw that we were similar. Of course, we were very young, and we enjoyed playing a lot. I found myself comfortable with him whenever our families went to Timezone or went out of town together. As kids, we were similar in a way that we just wanted to have fun. Back then, we didn’t talk about personal stuff too much. We just enjoyed each other’s company while we both were growing up. That was enough for us get along pretty well. The difference between us, however, mattered to me when we were got a little bit older. We were no longer kids who were content in just playing with one another. We started talking about how we saw ourselves as individuals, and our conversations had to be more meaningful. By then, I realized that we were already very unique from each other. As what I’ve mentioned, when I was talking to him during the prom, I realized that we had different interests and outlooks. Also, I found out he’s no longer my type. He was silent, and I couldn’t stand someone who just won’t talk as much as I do.

What I felt for X before was a manifestation of all the factors determining attraction toward a person. Indeed, I found him cute, attractive, and we had family connections. Also, reciprocal liking affected how I felt. Our similarity (and non-similarity), meanwhile, determined how we got along at first and how I realized that I didn’t like him anymore when we were a little bit older. So far, I haven’t met someone I like who can beat the five-year record I’ve spent having a crush on X. Now that I’m already more mature, I realized that it takes a lot more than physical attraction and proximity to have an enduring attraction towards somebody.

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I LIKE YOU

“I like you.”

This is what I told a few of my lucky friends last Monday, in celebration of the Psych 101 non-conformity day. For me, being a nonconformist is choosing to not be influenced by the society’s views and demands. In this case, a person does what she or he wants regardless of what others think. For our nonconformity day, I chose to say “I like you” to some of my friends. Of course, this is not something I usually tell them, because it’s such a phrase that could easily get misinterpreted. Normally, people use it only when they talk to their loved ones, or to their potential romantic partners. I rarely hear my friends say this to one another. For this reason, I got used to not using this phrase at all, even though I often feel this way toward the people around me. When I began saying “I like you” to my most special friends last Monday, I realized how fun and sweet (in a non-malicious way) my relationships could become if we were all more vocal and expressive towards one another. It was funny, though, because a few people thought I was just making fun of them. Some, meanwhile, took me a little bit more seriously and told me that they like me too.

I started doing my homework when the clock struck 12:00 AM. I was chatting with a new friend, whom I feel really comfortable with. We were talking about random stuff when I suddenly blurted out, “I like you.” Her reply was sort of like this – “Haha. :|” Obviously, she didn’t take me seriously. She also didn’t know how to react (take a look at the smiley). Sabi niya, binobola ko raw siya. This reaction didn’t shock me, because most likely I’d react in the same way if somebody told me that same thing. Aside from that, I became extra honest with her and I told her how much I trust her and appreciate our friendship. She told me she feels the same way, and I was very happy about that. It felt good because I knew I was being true to myself and to my feelings.

I arrived at CWTS and I told the same thing to my Chem friends. I told each of them that I like them. Some thought that it’s just part of my extreme mood swings. Some didn’t mind me. Perhaps, they thought it’s just one of my extra weird days. One of my friends appreciated what I’ve just told him, and he told me he feels the same way. I also became extra sweet and extra non-conventional with my friends. I held their hands (which I do not really do) during that day. HH with friends. Fortunately, they didn’t find something wrong or unusual with it so I didn’t have to explain anything. I really hate it when people add malice to purely friendly gestures. I was happy that my friends thought in the same way.

By the end of the day, I realized that I like the day-of-nonconformity me more than my normal self. One factor that kept me from doing what I wanted was the large number of the people around me who are also not expressive as I was. Another was the culture that I’ve been accustomed to. Filipinos often associate the word “like” with romance or even lust, and seldom use that word in reference to friends. What hampered me from expressing myself more openly was my fear of being judged by other people. I discovered that my hindrance was sort of imaginary, because I saw how positive the reaction of my friends were to me last Monday. I also realized that maybe we all were thinking in the same way. After all, I know a lot of friends who just aren’t confident and comfortable in showing others their feelings. The positive outcome of my nonconformity day resulted to my decision to keep myself that way. Since Monday, I haven’t changed a bit in the manner I treat my friends. I became more open and expressive to them, and I’m glad to say that they had a very good response. One of my friends started talking to me about his personal thoughts and relationships. Not that we didn’t talk about anything before the non-conformity day, but it surely helped him when I made him feel that I accepted him for who he was. I just realized that some people really need affirmation when it comes to relationships. I’m really happy about what I did. Well, it’s not really a pronounced non-conformity, but it was something I wasn’t used to doing and saying. It’s actually fun whenever I tell my friends that line, “I like you”, and they say outright that they don’t believe me. After all, I have my entire lifetime to prove them that I mean every word in that phrase. ☺ Certainly, this activity has helped me a lot, and I’d recommend others to try it too. It’s really amazing how much a person could discover about herself and her relationships after one fun nonconformity day.

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Personality :)

It’s not my first time to answer a test that is able to quantify my personality. I remember being asked to fill out personality tests back in Guidance Class during High School. Whenever the results came out, I was usually excited to know how I fared. Though I can say that a lot of conclusions made from the tests certainly describe me, there were also some assumptions that made me blurt “ANOOOOOO?” Honestly, I felt the same way and said the same things while I was reading my IPIP-Neo narrative report, which was based on Costa and McCrae’s Five Factor model. Of course, I didn’t keep the results to myself. I asked my close friend, Kim, to judge the accuracy of the test.

I scored relatively high in the first factor – extraversion (84). According to the test, extraverts are enthusiastic and active people who enjoy being with large crowds. I am not surprised with what it tells about me, and I certainly agree with it. It just confirmed the results of a personality test I took in my 4th year in High School. I really love hanging out with my friends and classmates. I’d like to say that I’m a very social being. It isn’t difficult for me to talk to total strangers and mingle with different people. I also open up to people easily. I think I’m a friendly person. Meanwhile, I noticed that as compared to the other components of extraversion, my score was only average in gregariousness. The definition of this trait says that those who scored low do not really dislike being around people, rather, they just give value to privacy. I agree with my average score because even though I appreciate lots of bonding time with my friends, I also appreciate having some time alone. I also agree with the results in the other components. I’m assertive in a way that I usually play an active role in my barkada. My activity level is high because I try to involve myself with lots of activities that would keep me busy. One proof is my willingness to join a number of UP organizations, because I really enjoy excitement in different tasks. Kim told me that she really agrees with this part of the test. She recalled how easy it was for me to talk to strangers about random things and to make new friends easily. She also told me how assertive I was as a friend. She even remembered some instances where I was able to talk her to do crazy things while we were having fun in the barkada.


I got only a 49 in the agreeableness part. This part should show how much I value harmony in a group with regard to my own interests. The test claims that I do care for people, but I couldn’t help but prioritize my self-interest. I noticed that my scores for the components of this factor were in extremes. I scored really low in cooperation (7) and modesty (14), whereas the other values were high. This set of numbers suggests that when it comes to agreeableness, I’m an unpredictable person. I agree with this, because I’ve already experienced several times how difficult it was to decide about things involving my traits concerning agreeableness. When it comes to group discussions, I confront people whenever I think things aren’t going well. I don’t like sacrificing excellence over harmony. I find the score too low, though, because there have also been many times when I just let the others lead. Kim also disagrees with this result. She claims that I’m a natural leader, but I also am cooperative. I move out of the way when I know other people have better plans. Moving on, I’d like to say that I got bothered upon seeing how I rated in the modesty component. Apparently, I think very highly of myself. I feel neutral about this. There are really times when I feel high and successful, especially after an achievement, but there are also times that I feel inferior. Also, Kim believes that I’m not that type of person who thinks in that matter. With regard to trust, meanwhile, I disagree with the results. While it says that I easily trust people, I feel otherwise. I just realized that I do have trust issues. I easily share random things about me to my friends, but when it comes to the most serious stuff, I begin to doubt other people. Aside from this, I also like helping people, which explains why I try to join organizations that reach out to people I can help. This shows the altruistic and sympathetic sides of my personality. Kim recalled how I enjoyed volunteering in tutorial sessions just to help other students. Somehow, I’m not surprised to see that my score in morality wasn’t very high. In dealing with people, I find it necessary not to tell them everything. To me, that’s not being dishonest. I just find it more convenient.


For the third factor, conscientiousness, I only scored 37. This trait describes how people act on their impulses. Each of my scores under this factor was either low or average. I only got 59 in self-efficacy, and it surprised me. The test says that people belonging to the higher percentile of this trait believe that they have the drive and intelligence to be attain success. I also scored only average in the achievement-striving factor (53). I think I should have gotten higher scores in both because I believe I’m hardworking and I always do my best in everything. Kim agrees with me. I’ve always been driven toward success, one example to support this claim is that I am very GC. Meanwhile, I somewhat agree to the results of my other traits under conscientiousness. I’m a very disorderly person. I usually mix things up and forget a lot because I’m not organized. This is why I got a very low score in orderliness. I also agree with what the test says about my dutifulness. Whenever I can, I choose the rules that I follow. I really enjoy having things done in my own way, and sometimes, I feel that the rules or social constructs keep me from being myself. I also think that the result about my self-discipline was accurate. Whenever I have a task, I keep myself from distractions and do my best to concentrate. Lastly, I again feel weird about what the test tells me about my cautiousness. I got a really low value (18), but I think I should have got a little bit higher. I admit that I’ve already committed so much stupid mistakes in my life, because of my impulsive acts. However, when it comes to really important things, I really spend time thinking about my decisions.


As expected, the test results indicate that I’m sort of a neurotic. I and Kim both agree with most parts under this category. I easily get stressed and upset by the slightest things in life. The test shows that my anxiety level is average. This is accurate because there are times when I become pessimistic about what might happen. This is actually one of my problems because anxiety really makes me stressed. In relation to this, I saw that my vulnerability was also high. Another result that didn’t surprise me a bit is the degree of my anger (96). I get mad so easily, and I really suck in anger management. As I have previously implied, I want things to be done in my way. I feel bitter when other people do things that are against my set of beliefs. (I know I should be doing something about this trait now.) The test shows also that I have average depression and self-consciousness. Though I’m an anxious person, I easily forget negative things, which keeps me from being depressed. Also, I’ve grown to believe that I shouldn’t think too much about how others think of me because it would just make me uncomfortable. Sometimes, though, I find it hard to do. I also have a high score in immoderation, which I find inaccurate. Temptation for me is indeed hard to resist; however, I’m not so much of a person who doesn’t have self-control.


I’m most happy about my score in the fifth factor – openness to experience. I got relatively high scores in almost all categories, except for one. I scored only average in intellect. I think I should have gotten a little bit higher because I do enjoy ideas. I even spend time chatting with my dorkmates about our endless and almost impossible ideologies. Putting this aside, most results under neuroticism are accurate because I’m a person who loves to explore and discover new stuff. I love imagining and dreaming. I enjoy thinking out of the box. I also appreciate art and nature a lot. I just realized that I like art recently, when I found myself enjoying in viewing the art exhibits in the topmost floors of different malls. I also like drawing and coloring. In addition to this, I absolutely love photography. The results also show that I have a high emotionality. It is true, because I really express myself and I release my emotions whenever I need or want to. I hate being repressed. My high score in liberalism also shows how I see the importance of change. For example, I’m not really fond of seeing people sticking to too much of traditions and conventions, especially when they become detrimental to the society. Lastly, I am an adventurous person. This is why I really love traveling. I love experiencing new scenes and cultures. Kim even claims that I’m much of a trying-hard superwoman. I’ve always tried to juggle several of my tasks all at once, and I’ve always dreamt more than I could possibly reach.

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The Soundtrack Of My Life

Recently Played: One Step At A Time by Jordin Sparks

If I died today and God had asked me how many mistakes I’ve made in my life, I’d probably doubt I’d be allowed to enter heaven. In my eighteen years on earth, I’ve spent much of my time exploring the human world and making mistakes in the process of fulfilling my curiosity. I remember the time when I was still in Grade School - I thought of the world as a really vast space that conceals lots of mysteries waiting to be unraveled. This was the first time I fell in love with science. I was certainly interested in everything surrounding me, and I was very much eager to gain lots of new information. Also, during my school age, I felt the desire to prove myself worthy of other people’s appreciation. It was the period in my life when I was very eager of displaying my knowledge and skills to my family and friends. I somehow enjoyed it every time I was asked to play the piano in front of our visitors, and every time I climbed up the stage during the awarding ceremonies in my school. I strongly felt that there’s a lot that I could prove and show the world. This explains why I could easily reminisce my grade school life upon listening to Jordin Sparks’ “One Step At A Time.”

One Step At A Time

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

When I was 6-12 years of age, I felt that there’s so much around me that I can learn about. However, even if I was curious about everything, I couldn’t have possibly done all the things that I wanted. There are times when I somehow felt limited by my capabilities.

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

The second verse reminds me of how much I wanted to prove everyone that I was the best. Whenever I got a perfect score in school, I went home happily and with pride. I felt that the appreciation and the rewards given by my parents were one of the best things I could experience in my childhood. I can also relate the three previous lines to how I felt whenever I failed to achieve something that I wanted. For example, when I got my first NSH (needs special help, below 75) in Math, I was terribly frustrated and I started doubting my capabilities.

[Chorus:]
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

One piece of learning I gained during my school age was that there are lots of things to discover, but I don’t necessarily have to do everything all at once. I have all the time ahead of me to explore new things and learn from my mistakes.

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus]

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It's the faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

[Chorus x2]

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jordinsparks/onestepatatime.html

“One Step At A Time” was the soundtrack of my life during my school age stage. The lyrics remind me of how I wanted to show everyone my abilities. It also makes me remember the mistakes I made that made me feel inferior to everyone else. Now that I’m over this stage, I realized that I learned a lot when I was in Grade School. It’s not just the academics that made me who I am today. It’s the choices and mistakes I’ve gone through during this time of my life.

Now Playing: Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson

When I was in high school, I’ve always been open to everyone that I still didn’t know who exactly I was. Obviously, I was facing what Erikson calls the identity vs. role confusion crisis. I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know who I wanted to be. Aside from this, I realized that I was doing too many things at the same time. At first, my cover was that I was just trying to be a well-rounded person, but it recently came to me that I just didn’t know what to choose. I was eager to explore lots about my own personality, but it was very hard for me to commit to what I have chosen to become. I spent a really difficult time in the identity moratorium. Choosing a course was really hard for me, because I was not sure of my goals. My dad kept forcing me to take nursing, but with hard work, I was able to hamper his attempt that could have resulted to my identity foreclosure. Even now that I’m in college, I’m still not certain of who I am. Well, as compared to the last previous years of my life, I’m a little bit confident that I’ve learned a lot through my explorations. One thing I learned is that I want to be a doctor someday, and like several other people, I want to make a change. This explains why my current soundtrack is “Breakaway” by Kelly Clarkson.

Breakaway

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

The last two lines of the first verse shows what I really want in my life – happiness. ☺

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

I can relate the verse above to the egocentrism I feel in this stage of my life. Like what was discussed in our class, adolescents have the tendency to feel that “nobody else understands.” Apparently, I’m one of these people. I often feel that nobody knows me, and nobody understands my outlook in life.

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

The chorus of the song reminds me of my goals. I want to spread my wings and fly. I want to be the best that I can be. I’m willing to take risks, just so I can make a change. Now that I am discovering my identity and purpose, I will strive hard to be successful.

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus]

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/kellyclarkson/breakaway.html

To Be Released Soon: Dreamlover by Mariah Carey

Like what Erikson says, the next stage that I’d be facing in my life involves the intimacy vs. isolation dilemma. I will start seeking for people I want to be with for the rest of my life. Of course, this stage involves finding a person who can complement who I am, a person whom I can depend on and love. Mariah Carey’s “Dreamlover” describes how I want the next stage of my life to turn out.

Dreamlover

I need a lover to give me
The kind of love that will last always
I need somebody uplifting
To take me away babe...oh yeah yeah
I want a lover who knows me yeah
Who understands how I feel inside
Someone to comfort and hold me
Through the long lonely nights
Till the dawn
Why don't you take me away

Dreamlover come rescue me
Take me up take me down
Take me anywhere you want to baby now
I need you so desperately
Won't you please come around
'Cause I wanna share forever with you baby

I don't want another pretender
To disillusion me one more time
Whispering words of forever
Playin with my mind
No No (no no no no no no no)
I need someone to hold on to
The kind of love that won't fly away
I just want someone to belong to
Everyday
Of my life
Always
So come and take me away

Dreamlover come rescue me
Take me up take me down
Take me anywhere you want to baby now
I need you so desperately
Won't you please come around
'Cause I wanna share forever with you baby

oh yeah yeah
yeah yeah
baby come and take me away

Dreamlover come rescue me
Take me up take me down
Take me anywhere you want to baby now
I need you so desperately
Won't you please come around -won't you please, pleeeaaassseee
'Cause I wanna share forever with you baby


take me down whoa whoa whoaaa
Won't you please come around

'Cause I wanna share forever with you baby

http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Dreamlover-lyrics-Mariah-Carey/E6C01EE98CE8A5BB48256862001335D2

I absolutely want to be with somebody who will accept me for who I am. Since I am spending a hard time finding my own identity, it would be rewarding to find someone who can appreciate the things that I know about myself. I also want to find someone who can stay by my side through fun and hard times.

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